السبت، 13 فبراير 2010
الجمعة، 12 فبراير 2010
Am i ..... ?
The only reason i said size small fits ,, it was one dress and its strechy so it doesn't count i'm still fst . I was 163lb now i'm 141 lbs I wanna be 114lbs.
I just can't my self prettyy in anyway , ucan't see the i lost belive and i can't believe that i was 163 and become 141 I JUST DON'T SEE IT !!
Can I ask you something ? answer honestly please ....
Am I bulemic ?
Do you I sm ?
I CAN'T SEEM TO FOLLOW ANYTHING !! I CAN'T I JUST WANNA LOSE WEIGHT THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT NOW ! we are in a vacation - between two term - and from the day we took the vacation i have been drowing in selfpitty !
I just can't my self prettyy in anyway , ucan't see the i lost belive and i can't believe that i was 163 and become 141 I JUST DON'T SEE IT !!
Can I ask you something ? answer honestly please ....
Am I bulemic ?
Do you I sm ?
I CAN'T SEEM TO FOLLOW ANYTHING !! I CAN'T I JUST WANNA LOSE WEIGHT THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT NOW ! we are in a vacation - between two term - and from the day we took the vacation i have been drowing in selfpitty !
No that didn't happen.
I finally fit in a size SMALL !! and i went shopping and bought everything 2 sizes smaller and everything fit me i was super happy and ecided to loose the rest healthy way . The same friend calls me and I was about to give her the gppd news maybe we'll do it togther ,,, she tells me she binged and she threw up and she'll starve her self . I GOT DEVESTATED ! she's been throught slot and everytime she calls to tell me somthing i cry cuz it hurts me what she's doing to her self I LOVE HER nad she is thinnn and skinny and pretty !! !! she is 100lb and she wants to loose to 88lbs that's NOT HEALTHY !! So i just told her imma stop she got happy fo rme so i did it throught the weekend on friday i woke up like a drug addict that wantss drugs I couldn't !!! It ws hard enough eating with not throwing it up so I couldn't i just wanted too !!! So i don't know what I ate ,, but I know at the end of the day i couldn't so i binged a bag of ships and a sandwich and went to throw it up ,,, i threw it up untill my stomach was empty and i gurantee you that i'm sure that at the end i was just throwing acid and i think some STOMACH TISSUES !
and i was back .
and i was back .
Further On ,,
In my school magazine that i joined , i'm the assistant of this awesome amazing girl ! She is such a great person ,,, we got closer and closer and I was so happy with her by my side helping me throught the magazine thing i was clueless and it was hard but she is awesome I love her !!!!
One Day i was too tired and it just came out i sent her on facebook :I've been throwing up my food lately :S
and the converstation went on and on .
To be honest ,, i used to sneaak food and i didn't do it like everyday ! But i was still doing it !!! By time my appetite was shrinking ,, I couldn't eat dinner ,, if i do i have to go throw it up ,,, after i eat every meal i felt naustious . This friend was completly awesome and supportive and been there for me ! So I had my ups and downs , i used to eat throw up ,.. not eat .... eat and not throw up ! untill i sed to eat only one meal per day but not throw it up .
One day the same friend calls me and admits : She tried this before , she stopped but now she's starving her self ,, but sommetimes throws up . I was like wow !! and she kept talking and talking to me and suddenlly we became very good friend and close friends ,,, call eachother everyday in the morning ,, check on each other if we ate and be there for eachother when one of use throws up .... and you'de think things are getting better right ?
WRONG !!! EACHONEOF US IS GETTING DEEPER AND EEPER IN HER OWN THING !
I got to a stage where i do it 4 time a day ,,,, if i drink milk i can't i have to go throw it up . and it and somewhere deep in me i kionda liked it,, u know i'm loosing weight,,,,,, at the same time i was helping a friend out of it ? I'M SUCH A HIPOCRTIE !!
untill on day she decides to go healthy and stop,,, i was so happy for her.. But no i'm fat i want to loose weight ==> it geting deeper and deeper for me .
I started eating less and less no meals only snacks and i do throw them up . I lost 20 lbs . I saw it in the beginning i saw how much i lost and kinda felt happy ,, then i lost it . I saw my self fat super faaat !! the way i was an di need to loose more and more and more .I had some help from a teacher and a friend we had a long talk and i decided to try to loose the rest in healthy way .
One Day i was too tired and it just came out i sent her on facebook :I've been throwing up my food lately :S
and the converstation went on and on .
To be honest ,, i used to sneaak food and i didn't do it like everyday ! But i was still doing it !!! By time my appetite was shrinking ,, I couldn't eat dinner ,, if i do i have to go throw it up ,,, after i eat every meal i felt naustious . This friend was completly awesome and supportive and been there for me ! So I had my ups and downs , i used to eat throw up ,.. not eat .... eat and not throw up ! untill i sed to eat only one meal per day but not throw it up .
One day the same friend calls me and admits : She tried this before , she stopped but now she's starving her self ,, but sommetimes throws up . I was like wow !! and she kept talking and talking to me and suddenlly we became very good friend and close friends ,,, call eachother everyday in the morning ,, check on each other if we ate and be there for eachother when one of use throws up .... and you'de think things are getting better right ?
WRONG !!! EACHONEOF US IS GETTING DEEPER AND EEPER IN HER OWN THING !
I got to a stage where i do it 4 time a day ,,,, if i drink milk i can't i have to go throw it up . and it and somewhere deep in me i kionda liked it,, u know i'm loosing weight,,,,,, at the same time i was helping a friend out of it ? I'M SUCH A HIPOCRTIE !!
untill on day she decides to go healthy and stop,,, i was so happy for her.. But no i'm fat i want to loose weight ==> it geting deeper and deeper for me .
I started eating less and less no meals only snacks and i do throw them up . I lost 20 lbs . I saw it in the beginning i saw how much i lost and kinda felt happy ,, then i lost it . I saw my self fat super faaat !! the way i was an di need to loose more and more and more .I had some help from a teacher and a friend we had a long talk and i decided to try to loose the rest in healthy way .
First Day
First day was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E !! I drank milk for breakfast ,, was stressed all day in school ,, thinking about it !! for lunch , i was sitting with my sisters eating lunch - Chicken cesear salad - I finished my plate , took a deep breath , and went to the bathroom with my MP3. I sat on the ground , took another breath , stuck my finger in my mouth and did it . i stayed for 30 minutes trying NOTHING IS COMMING UP ! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING ? HOW CAN I LOOSE RESPECT FOR MY BODY ! AM I DOING THIS ? OMG ,, NO NO NO ,,, I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS !! YES I WILL I'M WAY TOO FAT . I FELT SO VULNEBRLE I FELT EXTREMLY DEPRESSED I OST RESPECT FOR MY SELF THAT PERSON I WAS TRYING TO BUILD FOR A YEARNOW WAS FLUSHED AWAY WITH THAT FOOD I JUST THREW UP.
i kept crying all day not knowing what to do !!! Do I call a friend ?Do i tell my sister ? Do i continue doing it ? Do oi stop ?? So simply i kept crying all day , and i'm not lying I SWEAR ALL DAY .
i don't really rememeber if ate somthing for the rest of the day but i remeber sleeping 6:30 pm !!
I didn't know what to do , i thought it would be easier , but i stayed in the bathroom for an hour trying to throw up it was hard . and I din't know if i was going to do this or now , i didn't know what to do ! But i think Deep Down Inside I knew this was going some where .
i kept crying all day not knowing what to do !!! Do I call a friend ?Do i tell my sister ? Do i continue doing it ? Do oi stop ?? So simply i kept crying all day , and i'm not lying I SWEAR ALL DAY .
i don't really rememeber if ate somthing for the rest of the day but i remeber sleeping 6:30 pm !!
I didn't know what to do , i thought it would be easier , but i stayed in the bathroom for an hour trying to throw up it was hard . and I din't know if i was going to do this or now , i didn't know what to do ! But i think Deep Down Inside I knew this was going some where .
How it all started ...
Okay I seriously don't care if no one on earth reads this , I just want things out of me ! I would love if people would read and interact with me but again it doesn't matter
I was always called fat from years years but I didn't really care iwasn't that superficial ! but it still hurts and it's buried .I entered a gym couple of years ago and lost massive weight and I was really happy I wasn't thin ,, or skinny I still had a belly and some thighs but I felt happy and you know this is the way I am and I don't mind ! and a bit bit I started gaining the weight in 2 years . This past summer – 2009 – I was as you can say " at the peak of my fatness " but i was proud of me and my personality I was building I didn't give a DAMN ! and I felt happy and pretty ! I felt pretty ! I didn't have a problem smiling at all ,,, I felt beautiful . When school started and maybe before it with a month or so , my mom and dad and sisters and EVERYONE kept saying I'm fat I'm gaining weight and blah blah blah ! when I started school I got a couple of comments about that too . But no , this is a new personality and a character I'm building a new me why would I care how I look ? I was taking French classes and got accepted to our school magazine and was focusing hard on my studying an felt more secure .
One day I thought ,, you know what ? what the hell just go join a gym with a friend just to have fun and lose some weight ! So I went out with that friend but gym fees were so expensive and not worth it so we didn't . When I go home , with my friend , I talk to my mom and she kept calling me fat and fat and we kept fighting . That hurt me so bad . My mom can be such ___ I don't know what to say . I LOVE my mom I really do !! but sometimes she doesn't give a damn about my feelings and I don't know why and that kills me , like nagging all the time about how fat I am ? So I decided to follow a diet called " The Flat Belly Diet " WHICH I RECOMMEND IT IS AMAZING ! and again my mom " you won't lose weight , you'll always stay the same !! you have to stop eating ,,, come see me when you buy the stupid book and lose weight we'll see !!! " So I went bought the book and NO ONE WAS SUPPORTIVE. And I said to myself ,, I'll just do it alone like I always do. This diet is awesome , you eat amazing food and really lose weight ! and I did !! I lost a lot , I lost in 2 weeks 6 pounds !! but some way that wasn't enough and I was tired of following a diet and mom just couldn't believe I lost weight and was lik u didn't lose anything . So I stopped the diet and started eating like I used to " like a pig " and I gained what I lost and I JUST GOT SICK OF IT !
I kept thinking to myself for hours , I can't still remember the sentence the came across my mind : " If you like food that much , you can't just stop eating it . So eat it . But no how will I lose weight ? So , yeah , what is the way you can eat food but now gain weight ? Throwing it up ??? Yeah I'll try it. No , no it's crazy I won't . How will I lose weight if I don't ? "
And I went to bed .
I was always called fat from years years but I didn't really care iwasn't that superficial ! but it still hurts and it's buried .I entered a gym couple of years ago and lost massive weight and I was really happy I wasn't thin ,, or skinny I still had a belly and some thighs but I felt happy and you know this is the way I am and I don't mind ! and a bit bit I started gaining the weight in 2 years . This past summer – 2009 – I was as you can say " at the peak of my fatness " but i was proud of me and my personality I was building I didn't give a DAMN ! and I felt happy and pretty ! I felt pretty ! I didn't have a problem smiling at all ,,, I felt beautiful . When school started and maybe before it with a month or so , my mom and dad and sisters and EVERYONE kept saying I'm fat I'm gaining weight and blah blah blah ! when I started school I got a couple of comments about that too . But no , this is a new personality and a character I'm building a new me why would I care how I look ? I was taking French classes and got accepted to our school magazine and was focusing hard on my studying an felt more secure .
One day I thought ,, you know what ? what the hell just go join a gym with a friend just to have fun and lose some weight ! So I went out with that friend but gym fees were so expensive and not worth it so we didn't . When I go home , with my friend , I talk to my mom and she kept calling me fat and fat and we kept fighting . That hurt me so bad . My mom can be such ___ I don't know what to say . I LOVE my mom I really do !! but sometimes she doesn't give a damn about my feelings and I don't know why and that kills me , like nagging all the time about how fat I am ? So I decided to follow a diet called " The Flat Belly Diet " WHICH I RECOMMEND IT IS AMAZING ! and again my mom " you won't lose weight , you'll always stay the same !! you have to stop eating ,,, come see me when you buy the stupid book and lose weight we'll see !!! " So I went bought the book and NO ONE WAS SUPPORTIVE. And I said to myself ,, I'll just do it alone like I always do. This diet is awesome , you eat amazing food and really lose weight ! and I did !! I lost a lot , I lost in 2 weeks 6 pounds !! but some way that wasn't enough and I was tired of following a diet and mom just couldn't believe I lost weight and was lik u didn't lose anything . So I stopped the diet and started eating like I used to " like a pig " and I gained what I lost and I JUST GOT SICK OF IT !
I kept thinking to myself for hours , I can't still remember the sentence the came across my mind : " If you like food that much , you can't just stop eating it . So eat it . But no how will I lose weight ? So , yeah , what is the way you can eat food but now gain weight ? Throwing it up ??? Yeah I'll try it. No , no it's crazy I won't . How will I lose weight if I don't ? "
And I went to bed .
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